Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
