the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
