oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
