Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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