I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
