i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Blood and glitter go together right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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