omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
