No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
