nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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