Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
