He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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