I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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