I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
