i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You're like the curious george of whores
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
