Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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