I'm sorry my penis didn't work
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
