I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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