Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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