My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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