I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
