I want you more than these girls want KFC
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
