I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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