i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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