I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
