I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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