My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
