you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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