i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
