I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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