He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
