i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
