a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
