Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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