I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
