You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
