remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
there is glitter all over my balls
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
