We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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