Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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