All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
