Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
