Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Banned from zoo.
Again?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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