I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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