I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
