before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
