im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
