i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
