You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
