did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
