Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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