i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm passing your future prison.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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