my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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