I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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