so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we're making bets on your personal life
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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